Soul Stealing Sneezes
by VampireApple
Summary: The Slytherins are convinced Hermione is going to take over the world. She decides that's not such a bad idea. Crackfic.


As suggested by I am expanding a scene I made for my other fic, Silly Scenes Supervising Silly Sayings. The letter S is so supper sweet. I got the Slytherin names in the Harry Potter Lexicon.

**CHALLENGE!**

I lay down a challenge for someone to write a serious Hermione-takes-over-the-world. No requirement on lenth, or how she does it. There can be pairings (but there doesn't have to be). The only forbidden pairings are Hermione/Ron, Hermione/Snape, Hermione/Draco and Hermione/Ginny. If you do take this up, please let me know. I'd love to check it out.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

###

Hermione heard a sneeze and automatically said "Bless you."

"What the hell, Granger?"

She turned around to see a Slytherin she vaguely recognized as Blaise Zabini behind her. "It was out of habit. A muggle thing."

He looked intrigued despite himself. "Why on earth would they do such an asinine thing?"

Hermione could never resist giving out information. "It was commonly thought that demons tried to enter the body when a person sneezed. The saying 'bless you' was used so that demons couldn't enter the body. Or that when you leaved your soul tried to leave your body, and saying 'bless you' kept it inside you."

"… You took my soul and put a demon inside me?"

"No… I told you, I simply-"

"And you're not really a mudblood, are you?"

"Hey! No need to be insulting-"

"And you're planning to take over the world."

"I- Wait, what?"

The two stared at each other for several minutes. Then Blaise smiled. "I understand that you can't blow your cover now. I'll spread the word discretely." He walked way.

Hermione looked around the empty corridor. "What the hell just happened?"

###

Several days later Hermione was sitting alone when she heard two sneezes. "Bless you."

The gasps of horror had her turning around. The **Montgomery t**wins, in Slytherin, stared at her in terror. Experimentally, she held up her hand and said "I've got your souls."

The pair fled.

"Huh." Hermione started to think and form a plan.

###

"Hello Hermione."

"Hello Luna."

Silence. Hermione waited for the other girl to say something else. Luna stared off into space.

Cough. "Did you want something Luna?"

"Yes."

"… What did you want Luna?"

"In on your plan."

Blink. "What plan?"

"Your plan to take over the world."

"How-"

"My husband and I have already come up with several plans-"

"Husband!"

"Yes, Blaise and I are married."

Shocked look. "…When?"

"Oh, a few hours ago. Anyways, we have several plans for you to look over and approve. Oh, and you should bring Harry in on this. He'd be a great asset."

"Harry?"

"Yes. He's in favor with the world at the moment, so he'd help with the transitions. I've to go now, byebye." The blonde skipped off.

"… World domination is sounding better and better."

###

"Harry, I need your help."

"What is it?"

"The Slytherin are convinced that I will be the next ruler of the world. That my getting sorted into Gryffindor was a brilliant plan to hide while I amass followers. That I can put demons into people without a spell. That I can steal souls."

"… Wow. So, what do you need?"

"I'm decided that they're right. Taking over Magical Britain will be a lovely summer project. I just need a third general."

"Third? Who are the other two?"

"Luna and Blaise."

"Huh. I heard they got married."

"How does everyone know this before me!"

"Gossip. You find out everything that way."

"Damn. I should place some eavesdropping spells in a few places then… Will you help me?"

"Sure. I've got nothing better to do at the moment."

"Wonderful. I have a few things that need to be taken care of…"

###

"I officially call the first meeting of Lady Hermione's Order to order!" Luna yelled out. She hit the table in front of her with a cricket bat. Blaise took it away from her.

"First order of business," Hermione said "is to figure out a better name."

"I motion to table that in favor of figuring out how to get rid of the competition," Blaise spoke up.

"I second!" Harry said.

Luna pouted. "I came up with that one."

Blaise pulled her onto his lap. "I'm sure you'll come up with a better name later."

"Down to business, loverbirds. Now, I've reviewed all the plans for the deaths set forth, and I've picked out my favorites." Hermione passed out papers to her generals.

"Hey! My death isn't on here!" Harry glared.

"I agree that it was rather nice, but a rocket to Mars will take time we don't have. We'll use it for another time, when I have a better power base." 

"Fine." Pout.

"Now, Luna, were did you say those giant, man-eating, non-magical snakes were?"

"South America."

"And Blaise, you're sure Baldiewort won't turn down another pet snake?"

"Yes."

"Perfect."

###

One the same day, within the span of three hours several strange deaths occurred.

The entire Malfoy family fell into a volcano.

Snape was eaten alive by a horde of very angry sea gulls.

Dumbledore found out he was allergic to socks, drank himself into a stupor and died of alcohol poisoning.

Fudge accidentally swallowed a teacup and choked to death.

Umbridge turned into a giant pimple and exploded.

Rita Skeeter was stabbed with shards of glass, then tarred and tied to a tree in the American Rocky Mountains. Big Foot found her and made her his bride. He killed her when a piece of glass cut him.

Several other people died in very unpleasant ways.

No one really missed the dead, or even knew that they had died. Except for McGonagall, who looked for the Headmaster for an hour so he could sign some important papers. Finally she gave up and foraged his signature.

###

The feared Dark Lord heard his doorbell ring. "Huh. Didn't know this cave had a door bell."

At the entrance of the cave there was a huge snake with a bow around its neck and a card in its mouth. He took the card and petted the reptile. "Dear greatest dark lord ever we wanted you to have this snake to show how awesome you are. From your biggest fans. Aw, how sweet-"

The snake swallowed him whole.

###

"I call Hermione the Bad Girl into order!" Luna slurred. She took another drink of fire whiskey.

"Here, here!" Harry hurrahed.

"I still" hiccup "think I need a better" hic "name," Hermione giggled.

Blaise, the only one who wasn't drunk, picked Luna up from the floor.

"Right!" gulp "Tomorrow! A better name tomorrow," Luna said.

"Right. Now lets celebrate!"

The four (Luna finally made her husband drink) spent the rest of the night partying.

###

The next day the soon-to-be new leader and her three generals had huge, horrible hangovers.

Luckily, Hermione was very big on planning (she had plans for taking over the world even if she was dead) so her Slytherin minions were doing their jobs.

The Hogwarts staff was mildly curious has to where their Headmaster, potions professor, Slytherin house, two of the Golden Trio and their resident crazy student had gone to. They weren't over worried (nor were the rest of the students), figuring that as long as it wasn't raining blood everything would be all right.

###

"Hello Ma'am, I am a Slytherin Minion-"

"For You-Know-Who! Go away!"

"No, no. He's dead."

"Really? How nice."

"Yes. The person I'm a minion for, Lady Granger, killed him."

"How wonderful. I'll have to remember to send her a sincere thank you card."

"I'm sure she'd appreciate it. However, she would like to take his spot in the whole 'take over the world' thing. Here's a pamphlet."

"My, how organized."

"As you can see, she would like to make the world a better place. She'd only kill you if you oppose her, or break one of her laws. Very little torture involved for most cases, as well."

"How reasonable. I will, of course have to talk it over with my husband, but I don't foresee us planning any rebellions."

"It would go much easier for you if you didn't, ma'am. By the way, would you like to sign up for our mailing list? It would keep you up to date on Lady Hermione's latest political and social actives, as well as let you know what you should ignore, what you should pat attention to and the like."

"That sounds lovely. I believe I would like that, yes."

###

Hermione's round about way worked wonderfully well.

In addition to sending her minions around to the people, she also took over Gringotts. Sadly, all the goblins were killed. They didn't want to give up the gold. Because she controlled all money, and most were happy she wouldn't killed them, the wizards and witches of the United Kingdom didn't complain over much. Very few deaths involved. All in less then a week.

Newly married Hermione and Harry said in the old Malfoy Manor (they had plans to renovate it).

"Well, Harry love, I think this turned out rather well."

"I do as well… Well, what do you plan to do now?"

"Well, we are going to have children-"

"We are?"

"Of course. So, I need to take over the rest of the world."

"… Why?"

"To teach them responsibility after all. Thy can have a small country, and I'll slowly add to their land. Then we die they'll have their own little empires that can pass down to their children. Remember Harry dear, we're creating our own world empire."

"Right… I love you Hermione."

"I love you too Harry, but we'd better get planning."

"Right. I'll go get Luna and Blaise."


End file.
